Have you ever loved a man so strongly, immensely and naively that you thought you are one lucky girl who found her ‘happily ever after’ in one man? Well, I did. Has it ever happened to you that you loved the wrong guy and strongly believed that he’s the one? Well, it did to me.
After him, things kept slipping through my fingers. After him, happiness was something I just heard stories of. And sadness came to me in waves. Memories would just take turns and I’d be overwhelmed by the emotions they’d bring along.
For a long time, I wondered if I would be able to grasp the meaning of my life again. I wondered if I would ever get back to normal or if I’ll ever be capable of loving again. God knows it was something that love was hundreds of miles away from me. God knows I had almost given up.
I wasn’t always like this. I was one of those happy women that were always grateful for what they had. I was one of those who enjoyed her life, smiled and laughed every day, and I was one of those who’d go to sleep with enthusiasm for the new day.
But being married to a narcissist changed me. I wasn’t half the person I used to be after he was done with me. The same enthusiasm I had before we got together in the morning now turned into a fear of getting out of bed. My happiness was replaced with anxiety.
For a long time, I was ashamed of letting him change me. For a long time, I was ashamed of the person I became, but mostly I was ashamed that I allowed him to get the best of me. I should’ve known better.
I trusted him.
He made me trust him. He did everything to convince me he’s got my back and that he’s my person. He made me feel like I could count on him and that he’d do anything for me. He kept making promises and I always waited for those promises to be kept. But they never were. Because he made me trust him just so he could betray me.
He made me feel safe.
For a while, I felt like I could call him for a rescue mission and he’d come any time of the day. For a while, I thought he was my safe heaven—but he was far from that. He made me feel safe just so I would let my guard down. Once I let my guard down, his mission was accomplished because I was absolutely unprotected from his attack. I never saw them coming.
I loved him.
I allowed somebody who had a history of broken marriage to be a part of my life. I gave my heart, body, and soul to a man who had no idea what love was. I loved him with every cell in my body and I gave him my love unconditionally, irrevocably and selflessly and I completely lost myself to him. But only because he convinced me he can be taught to love. But you can’t teach a narcissist to love. It’s just not in his system. Love is just an abstract word he’ll never feel.
I lost myself to a man who was incapable of love.
He made me a prisoner of my love.
I stayed with him because I believed it was for love. I always believed in love. I believed humans were created from two bodies and one soul and that I had found my other soul, my other half in him. But, he wasn’t my soulmate.
He was somebody who got the best of me. He was somebody who fed on my misery. He was somebody who needed me to be down so he could feel good about himself. And I let him do that to me because I was naive. I romanticized my suffering and I made myself believe I was a hero fighting love. But all I was was stupid for falling for a narcissist.
I lost myself to a narcissistic person…
I stopped believing I’m worthy and that I deserve to be loved. I lost my confidence. I lost my self-worth. I let his selfishness win and I allowed it to be all about him. I let him blame me for everything and I let him manipulate him. None of this was consensual and yet it happened. I lost myself.
But I found myself again.
I went through a living hell for a man. I was the best version of myself. I gave all in and I held nothing back. I wish I could say I didn’t get anything out of it, but that’s not how the story ended. I got a whole new life lesson out of it.
I might have been a wreck for a while, but I wasn’t going to allow myself to be that for the rest of my life. It’d mean he won and I couldn’t let that happen.
So I picked myself up and I started sewing my ripped pieces one by one. I mended every hole in my heart one by one. I patched every hole in my soul as well. I’d leave my house with my head held high as if what he did to me was nothing.
He walked over me one too many times that I had no choice but to show him the door out of my life.
Because of how he treated me, I thought I wasn’t worthy of love. It took me a while but I realized that I am more than enough—it was he who didn’t deserve to be loved.