Was it me…?

Why does break up of the marriage hurts so much??

We didn’t have children.  He was not interested in having babies with me.  He has a son from a previous marriage.  Going over and over in my mind why I didn’t stay longer, why I didn’t try harder maybe he needed more time, maybe I was the wrong one and drove us apart.  Maybe I should have been more careful with laundry and not lose his sock.  Maybe I should have paid more attention to what I wore, not use as much makeup, maybe I should of be careful what I was saying.  Maybe I wanted too much?

What is too much?  I wanted to be hugged when I had a hard day at work not judged.  I wanted him to talk to me to listen to me what I had to say not taking over the conversation and making it all about him.  I wanted him to be proud of me when I started my small business not to be discouraged.  I wanted him to be civil to me, not to put me down and telling me that no one respects me and everyone is using me.  I didn’t want to be Gaslighted, not to be Devalued, Manipulated.  I felt all the time like walking on eggshells, if I didn’t do something for him, he will Guilt trip me.  Accusing me of doing things that I would never think of.  No empathy. He treated me like I was the enemy.  And I let him.

No, he wasn’t physically abusive but emotionally, psychologically and mentally …. Yes.  To the point that I was questioning my own actions.  Living in the stage of Cognitive Dissonance most of the time.  My brain turned in to mashed potatoes I couldn’t think anymore I was dying inside.  And If I stayed in my toxic marriage, I would not be writing this blog now or be alive. 

Now, after one whole year of separation and to answer my own question from the beginning of this post, brake up does hurt.  It hurts like HELL, like death.  Why? Because I am a true person, I love from every cell in my body from each breath that I take.  I think there is a reason why I met my ex-husband…. I truly do.  Still figuring out why?

“People will throw stones at you.  Don’t throw them back.  Collect them all and build an Empire”

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